Men and Women are not alike

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults with the exception of a teen magazine vocabulary. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HATS:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

COMEDY:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:

Women's magazines have sexy women on the cover. Men's magazines have sexy women on the cover. GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than a clown car. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

WORK SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

OTHER SHOES:

Women have millions of shoes, one for every outfit. Men have millions of shoes, one for every sport or athletic activity.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:

Women look into mirrors for hours arranging makeup and doing a million things to their hair only to decide they are having a bad hair day. Men look into the mirror before they go out for no apparent reason.

GARAGES:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivian Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when the entire 3rd floor of the research lab blows up but the terminator drives out in "Terminator II".

In general, men like movies with more competition and violence than romance (which they call "Chick Flicks"). Women like movies with more romance than competition and violence (which they call "Male Testosterone Movies" or "Dick Flicks").

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail... A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

DAVID LETTERMAN:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

CAMERAS:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.

POLITICS:

Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony," what everyone wore, and who cried the most. Men try and change the subject.

CHEERLEADERS:

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut below the ankles, have pictures of teddy bears or hearts on them, and are most likely pink.

TOYS:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, computer programs that do useless things very fast, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Jennifer, Susan, Kristen and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

HAIRCUTS:

For men haircuts are a short and simple process: make an appointment, go in, come out with your hair slightly shorter. For women the process is much more complicated. First, numerous hair styles, colorings and lengths must be considered. The only hairstylist in the world they trust must be reserved. The whole process is filled with excitement and worry. And finally she hides from the world for several days because she is not sure if she likes her new haircut.

SPORTS:

Women like sports that are judged on grace and beauty, such as gymnastics and figure skating. Men like sports that are judged on physical aggression and violence, such as football, hockey and boxing.

There are no sports that both men and women enjoy. Full contact gymnastics never got off the ground.